A Tale of Suffering, Misery, and Despair
by Regnet
Summary: A darkly humorous story of how non-canon Elves might react to Mary-Sues.


A Tale of Suffering, Misery, and Despair (sniff)

(rated PG-13 for language and some rather disturbing stuff near the end)

Shannon had known all her hurtful life at school. Her ethereal appearance, blonde hair, and natural good looks were instant spots for ridicule causing tears and sobs of sadness. Her parents, though supportive, could not make her feel any better. Shannon fell asleep at night, knowing that the hurtful insults of 'Glowgirl' and 'Pastygirl' would greet her at school the next day.

Sniff.

She was crying in her bed, the one small fact that she had known her entire life helping her not. She knew that she was meant to be in Middle-earth, but that there was no possible way for her to be there.

Sniff.

She closed her eyes and sighed. 'Nobody loves me!' she whispered into the blackness.

Sniff.

She felt herself being lifted up, a cold air swept about her as she opened her eyes to see not her room, but an infinite white, a white so bright that it was blinding. She closed her eyes again.

Shannon felt herself being lowered to the ground. She opened her eyes.

Shannon saw herself in a glorious glowing city, bright and shining, with angels, she thought, milling about. A blonde saw her, his eyes filling with concern as she lay on the grass, his osoveryhandsome face creased with confusion. He ran to her.

He knelt down next to Shannon, who was now crying.

Sniff.

He pulled her into his arms rubbing his hands up and down her back.

'Cry not!' his fair voice said in Elvish, though strangely enough, Shannon understood him.

She felt his toned chest beneath his tunic.

He pulled her away from himself, allowing her to see his face.

'I love you.'

The Elf felt drawn to her in a way that had never happened before.

Her eyes showed slight surprise at his words, but it was snuffed out as he pressed his lips on hers in a passionate kiss.

(Audience goes: 'Aww!')

Shannon's coherent thoughts were drowned in the passion, the romance, the beauty of the moment.

The Elf pulled back smiling.

'What is your name, child?'

'Shannon.'

''Tis an unusual name, is it not? But yet... still beautiful.'

(Audience goes: 'Aww!')

'What is yours, my lord?'

'Prince Legolas of Mirkwood.'

Shannon's eyes filled with such great admiration for this prince, who was, by the way, still running his hand up and down her back.

The thought coursed through her mind: 'This is all a lie.'

Sniff.

'You don't love me,' she said, beginning to cry.

Sniff.

His smiled turned tender, perhaps too tender. 'Do not say such things! You know my love for you!'

(Audience goes: 'Aww!')

Shannon smiled, knowing what he said was true.

'And I love you as well.'

(Audience goes: 'Aww!')

He stood, offering his hand to pull her up.

'Come. Let us walk together.'

They walked up the path to the cliffs of Rivendell, that overlooked the fair valley. Legolas casually put his hand around her waist as they overlooked the valley.

Shannon glanced suspiciously at Legolas, his fair eyes looking over the valley. She followed his gaze to a young she-Elf, bathing in the river.

He did not love her.

Sniff.

That left her little option.

She stepped forward, over the cliff, plunging, screaming to her death, the last thought rushing through her mind:

'He did not love me.'

Sniff.

Legolas peered over after her, seeing her red nightdress, but little of anything else even for Elvish eyes. It was, however, quite certain that she was dead.

Legolas smiled.

He did a half victory dance on the cliff, knowing that he had gotten rid of one more Mary-Sue. Onto the next!

Many Elves jumped from the bushes behind them, bursting into spontaneous cheering and Prince Legolas's bravery and valor at ridding Arda of these horrendous beings.

(Audience screams in terror.)

------------

Elrond Peredhil, Lord of Imladris, spoke to Prince Legolas later that night as they drank wine in celebration.

'I had not expected such an easy victory, Legolas. I must congratulate you.'

''Tis no trouble, my lord. Though it was a rather difficult clean up.'

'Indeed. In all my long years I have never seen blood go so far. Suicide did you say?'

'I had been about to push her when she suddenly stepped off of the cliff herself.' (Audience screams.)

Elrond smiled. (Audience boos.)

'To tell you the truth, I was rather disappointed. I wanted to do the honors of ending the life of this vile Mary-Sue. 'Twas rather a good thing I saw her first. Lord Glorfindel has been most tired of the things.'

'Indeed,' said Elrond with an amused smile as he drained his glass.

'Everytime I push one of those girls into the river or put poison in their drinks, I always have a little regret. Could you tell me why?'

'I am afraid you still have your conscience. Though weak, it is trying to make a stand. I can give you something later if you like to kill it.'

'That would be fine.'

(Fade out)

------------

'FRIGGING HELL!!' broke the stillness of Imladris as Shannon was reincarnated back to her previous self. (Audience cheers.)

Shannon, of course, using her superduper powers had heard about the whole Elves-Kill-Mary Sue conspiracy after being reincarnated.

Shannon, in a moment of pure and true rage and fury, managed to bruise Legolas on the arm before being instantly annihilated by him.

------------

And Mary-Sue haters around the world woke up laughing. (Audience boos.)

------------

There is uproar in the audience as all had expected Shannon to be reincarnated again and kick Legolas's butt in true Mary-Sue fashion. Okay, in _some_ Mary-Sue fashion.

THE END

Likes? Dislikes? Review anyway.

I myself find it rather creepy.


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